There's a moment i don't understand myself. I'm always very clear of what i am doing whether is right or wrong, i will always knows it. I'll be very happy when i did something that i think is right to do it. But I'll blame myself or even tells myself that they deserves all these when i did something that i know is wrong.

Sometimes, i will even asked myself if i am an Angel or a Devil. An Angel of helping people out of their problems, saving them from the disaster that will be soon happening, brings people out of their pathetic world. Being a Devil of backstabber, bullying people, betrayed friends & other sorts of idiotic freak things that shouldn't be doing.

I'm getting more and more of not understanding of who am i. Totally is a D-O-N-T-K-N-O-W for my answer. I closed my eyes looked for my own personal dictionary & my own personalities profile. What comes out is not my dictionary nor my profile but mini video clips that reminisce my past. My damn fucker past, an unmemorable past to think of. I'm creating a more memorable moments for the present now. I'm glad that i have did it for these few weeks but i don't wish is just for a temporary of it. Nevertheless, I don't wish that in the next 2 or 3 years later, i have to say the same phrases "I've full of hatred of my pasts!" again and again.

Recently, I've added 2 wishing list in my 's願い. First is 離開 Depression 的世界 which means move away from my depression world. Second is 放下過去所有的事 which means putting down all my pasts. Hopes that i could slash away this 2 wishes as soon as possible as I'm totally sick and tired of it. I wants it to end it soon and start a new fresh life ;forwarding smartly through my path all the way till reaches the Championship stands. That's what i am really looking forward.

'm addicted to the feeling of smoking after sometime & i love the feeling of living in the heaven ;floating in the air, whole body feel so soft. There's seems to be things been happening non-stop. No matter how i try to avoid it or to stop it, totally no use to it.

've ran 938401841984km away from Depression but 'm still being caught in the end. My window is widely open, viewing the scene outside, there's nothing nice just buildings and tiny people walking to and fro. Suddenly 've an urge of jumping down ending my life just like this ,don't care of any regrets. Just wishing to end all my problems just like this ;not caring if 'm going to become a wandering ghost. I'm totally sick & tired of everything that's happening.

Thinking back of what my Supermodel & Viviann said, it really stop me from doing it. The encouragement & no disappointment to Supermodel. The Mother Fucker Promises with Viviann flowing in my mind non-stop. They're just like my guardian angels stopping me from doing all kinds of silly things. Thanks for being with me all times but 'm sorry too of seldom meet ups now as too many things happening. I wish to be alone sometimes. I'll shall stop my Fucking Depression right now in blogging but deep inside, 'm struggling in the water ;drowning inside.

Yesterday which is Friday, never fails of skipping school at every Friday. Teachers are complaining to me of not coming to school. I went to meet my Boyfriend & we were having fun. We were slacking @ Boyfriend's house the whole day long.

He was playing his dota & I was playing with his PSP which his father just bought for him that day. Surprisingly, his father allows me to ton at his house as i think his father rather wants Boyfriend's Girlfriend which is me to accompany him than going out creating troubles around. && also Uncle was very nice that he helped me bought cigarette. =))

@ around 9pm, Natasha darling called me & we were chatting. Boyfriend was at there eavesdropping & asked me questions of me and darling conversation. Darling didn't know that i was at Boyfriend's house ;so cute of her. At around 3am, Boyfriend & I both fell asleep and suddenly Boyfriend's phone rang & was asked to go for a Dota games. && he left me at his house sleeping till he called my phone and asked me to go down meet him as he going to Candoment afterward. Auntie was so friendly and kind that she treats me eat Bee Hoon but ended up i asked Boyfriend to eat it as breakfast when we were slacking at the swimming pool there with his friend. Soon after, Boyfriend & his friend send me to the bus-stop & i went off to home.

&& Boyfriend also wants me to do well for my Mid-Year Examination. x))
'm Missing him So much currently right now.

heys! everyone =)) I'm kinda of bored, so i am here to blog before i went to sleep. Since yesterday morning till now, my gastric is still not alright. The pain seems to be forever stays there & never be gone. I was like OH MY FUCKING DAMN HELL GOD! Why must the Pain comes at the wrong times as tomorrow there's exam for me. I think i going to flung my paper tomorrow but I'm relieved that it is not Prelim or "O" LEVEL but just only Mid-Year Exam. && if my gastric pain still not recover by tomorrow, I'll be seeing a doctor & check it out what's wrong with my gastric. &&


God Bless Me =))

Congrats myself of Singlicious for 1month ever since 13March2008 ;5:30pm.

I might not be blogging for sometimes till my new blogskin is done. It's still halfway done & might be changing link too. =)) So do relinked me when everything has done, previous posts will still be there unchanged so that readers still can read my past posts. Do look forward to it.

&& From tmr onwards, i might be asking my form teacher, Mrs Chee to allow me to sit at the back of my row alone so that i can study myself. I'll study hard ;not to disappoint the people who have been supporting me despite i have a lot of times fell down. If i did well for my "O"s or my "O"s have ended & confident with it, i'll thanks Viviann, Marcus, my Parents, Sharon, TTL, Jun Yu, Dennis, Mint, Shu Hui, JianWei and still got lots more bahs.

Do Supports me =))
& after my "O"s my life will be changed. As well as me too, you will find much more different in me bahs. & hope by the time i have found back my souls, like what Marcus said the character that he first time knows me. Nobody wants me to be in this state.

My brain seems not to be functioning well as the day goes by ;feeling giddy, headaches all the times. Due to the lack of sleep, the stress and the unstable emotions, my body is going to break down soon ;no longer can carry on. It seems that there is a big rock in front of me, blocking my way to cross over. If one day, anyone sees me lying on the streets, is the day my body can't hold on. It has been too exhausted to carry on rebuilding my energy. Sorry that i failed to take a good care of myself. In facts, i have never pampered my health before. Even if have, is unsuccessful. But i know myself well, i know soon i will be lying in hospital ;my eyes will never open till the day i feels that i have slept enough & i'll once open again. Do be alert on me ,my dear friends.

I'm seems to have a phobia of studying now. Afraid of the pains in my head that would come back killing me. Even a millions, billions of encouraging myself, the books are still there waiting for the dusts to cover over them. && not only just because of a phobia but is also about my health. I've been sick recently ;coughing badly, sore throat. I'll never give up just because i am scare of the pains & disappointment in me that i forget everything. I'll continue with it, no matter how hard or easy it is, either i am going to win a beautiful war or losing badly, at least i could still tell myself that "I've tried my best." rather than telling myself "If that time i have studied hard, it will not turn out to be like this." Do support me with it, readers.

My hair has been shortened.
Simply miss my long hair.
Hopes it will faster grow long. =/

I seems to be so doubtful to my life. My thinkings & emotions can just change anytime just like the weather. A few minutes before I'm Laughing so Happily, after a few minutes I'm Hiding in a Corner.

Today, same things repeating again. I cracked my brains to reminisce all my past few years the works i have done. The pains at my back head was getting stronger and stronger in every minutes till i went to fall asleep. An urge of not gonna to open up my eyes once again came into my brain. Yet, in the end i slowly to open my eyes after the pains seems to be vanishing. I asked myself " Why did i open my eyes once again?? " There's no answer to the question.

Suddenly, school bell rang. It seems to be telling me that "Do not give up yourself, have some foods to gain my energy back to the war i am having now. There will be an award for yourself after the war ends successfully." My legs seems to be so motivated, it brought me to buy foods and gain my energy back. Maybe it can say as a good things to me but as for me, my thinking is different. I don't wish my leg to behave so well.

I was back in class again. Same things repeating again and again making me feels like throwing my tantrums just like that. Throwing all my school materials to the floor and never wants to pick it up. The pains were back to my back brains ;feeling so utterly terrible. Once Again, no one seen through my struggle ;just like being thrown to one side in a dark corner. The struggle just like drowning in the swimming pool where there's no lifeguard, anybody else there helping you up ;feeling so helpless.I was holding back my tears, don't want anybody to use a sympathy expression to look at me. Controlling my emotions so hard that i feel like letting go of the rope, back to the well looking at a small circle to the sky than back to a realistic world...

I just felt that I am a failure who gives up so easily even when there's a lot people supporting me all the way. There's dreams that i wanted to achieve for. However, just not even a step to it, my mind already started to give up just like this. Getting a more and more hatred to myself. I'm sorry to my dear friends. I'm just so useless and a disgrace to you. It's alright if you don't want me this friend anymore, i can understand. Who wants a friend who is such a failure to herself.


p/s: i always love to hide my emotions and express the best side of me.

It has been a real successful for me to step forward to my future. I'm really very happy about it and hope that it will continue on till my last breathe. However, today i realised that even if i have did it well but it just only a small part of it. There's still a lot of recovery to go through. As i was doing my Maths which were my Best Subject of all other Subject. I was having difficulties in doing it. I have forgotten all the formulae. No matter how hard i tried to crack my brain, is totally useless. I'm still totally stuck in the question that might be so simple.

I asked myself, "Should i remember what i used to have so that i will not have such a bad memories". I closed my eyes, glancing through of all images that appeared in my mind. The horrifying feeling came back ;the pains i used to have inside my heart. It took me so much courages to overcome 3years of Pains. "Am i fated to go back to what i was for the past 3years??" or " I have never worked hard enough??" or "Improving in stepping forward is still not enough, still have lots more for me to improve??" Thousands, Billions, Infinites of ??????????????? all came up to my mind.

At the moments, i felt so lonely as no one seems to can see through that i need help. Why i can see through their moods but no one can see through mine. TOTALLY NONE!! Maybe there is but i don't know. There's none of them who always hang around with me can see through my mood &comfort me. At least, i still can tell myself that i'm still not alone. There is still people concerning you. I'm not saying that i have no friends but no friends that understand me except my Everlasting Sister,Viviann. They sometimes seems to feel irritated by me. If that so, i shall apologise to you all. I'll just sit at my own place & treat it as i am sitting at a corner alone doing my stuffs & let you have a peaceful time.

Some readers might feels some kind of a joke. As my post, sometimes seems to be in a Positive Side but sometimes in a Negative side. Maybe you might think is funny but to me is totally not at all. Everyday, there's some minutes or seconds you would realise something great/bad. There's nothing wrong of being at both sides & it is just meaning that
"My life is just like a rojak, totally in a mess."


p/s: Sometimes we have to let go the past, yet i have failed it at halfway through.